bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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