Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
