Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
