So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
