I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
