I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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