Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
