these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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