also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
