my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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