Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
