dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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