Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
