If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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