oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
