We're like a lot better than the average bears
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
