She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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