she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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