how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
