dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
