sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Randomize
