My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
