We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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