someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
