oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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