everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
