Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
