he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
