Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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