I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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