I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
