Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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