i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My feet surprised me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
