Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
