walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
