im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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