I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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