I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
