I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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