I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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