I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
