u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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