I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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