Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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