this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
