if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
