WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My balls are so social today.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
