I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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