Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
