We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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